Monday, November 13, 2006

Email (Jefferson, Part Deux)

For my date with Jefferson, he’d asked me to think about what I was interested in. So I told him:

“OK then. First, alcohol (as I think you mentioned before), that would be very good. Then, I think I'd like it if you to told me to get undressed and let me feel all exposed. During my brief hour or so as a submissive the other week, I enjoyed having my ass slapped. I think I liked it because I found it sort of stimulating rather than very painful. There's one or two other things I can think of, and actually they're quite tame but we can talk about them in person. For some reason I feel quite embarrassed about writing them down. Hmm. I guess the most important thing I'd like you to know I'm nervous, and I trust your experience and good intentions. But I'm sure you knew that already.

What were those things I thought of but could not bring myself to mention via email? Ahem! Well, I'd liked it when Jordan said, "Want to be a good whore and suck my cock?" I liked a) being called a good whore and b) being told to suck his cock. That's the kind of thing I was thinking about. Now, while I think I might have been able to say this to Jefferson in person, I couldn't countenance the thought of emailing him about this. What's up with that?

I'll tell you what's up with that. When I'm really nervous, I often say exactly what's on my mind, just because I find the tension of not saying it too great. Then I can be embarrassed that I've been too blunt, rather than be nervous about what hasn't been said. It's a trade off. I've been awkward when I'm nervous for so long that it barely bothers me anymore. But emailing a man I don't know very well and saying, "Yah, I'd like for you to call me a whore and tell me to suck your cock -- and oh, by the way, you can grip the back of my head while I suck you off, that's nice too," -- is just too much for me to say without tempering it with what I hope is a fetching awkwardness. In person I can minimize my nerves by letting it be known that I am embarrassed and nervous. I've found that this usually buys me some time, and generally the goodwill of whomever is patiently waiting for me to get over myself.

Anyway, this is what Jefferson wrote back:

"You anticipate me. I had already decided to undress you on arrival. I'm not having you over to admire your wardrobe.

"Likewise, your comment that you "don't like pain" had already earned you a spanking. We need to get you past things you haven't tried but "don't like."

Now, that is the most aggressive email I’ve ever received from him. Is it part of his dominant role? It’s a change, though, as previously he’s been exceptionally decorous. If this had been his persona throughout our correspondence, I would have been dead scared, as the English say. Has he guessed that, and is pushing me?

And, gah! I am dead scared. Thinking about this, I’ve decided not to write back at all. The only kind of response I can give is a sort of chiding, “Hey!” – which isn’t really playing the game, and well, he knows I’m fearful, but he also knows I’ve made the decision to trust him. I want to trust that this email suggests that he has a good idea of what might please me, not that he’s a sadist. So I’m going to put my money where my mouth is and see what happens. If I hate it, I won’t do it again. (I kind of doubt I’ll hate it, though. I think that’s what scares me.)

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