Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Upside to Pessimism

Generally I think that being optimistic is asking for it. Why build your hopes up? I’m trying to be philosophical about the situation with Jeremy, which I’m thinking about constantly. Or possibly nonstop. Seriously obsessive thoughts, very bad.

OK, OK – this isn’t the end of the world. This went much further than my fling with Jonas and I’m not going to collapse like I did in 2003. I must have improved somewhat. I have improved somewhat; I am more adult. I must be.

I will try not to build up crazy fantasies about men I sleep with. My imagination has filled in all the blanks in Jeremy’s personality and I’ve made him into my perfect man. But he isn’t; there isn’t one, and I will meet lots more wonderful, sexy men, only I will not think about the future. I keep saying to myself, You’re going to be fine, but I can’t stop thinking about Jeremy long enough to concentrate on the pep talk.

I wish I could take something to stop my obsessive thoughts. Or, alternatively, I wish I wasn’t such a mess… the latter, preferably. At least I don’t think Jeremy’s rejection is an indication of serious personality flaws or hideousness on my part. Not much, anyway. I just feel needy, like I need for him to call me and tell me straight up that we’re through.

I have a date tonight with someone named Evan, and he should be here in five minutes. I’ve really got to enjoy myself tonight or be prepared to try for an hour or so; please let me think about something other than Jeremy. And please, let me come home to an email from him. I won’t even ask that it say Yes, I want to see you. Just an answer should do it.

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