Daniel came over last night. I am so jealous! He invited Robin to Atlantic City, it wasn’t the other way around, as I’d been hoping. It hurt to hear that. It was hard for me to enjoy myself with him last night. I took him deep in my throat and rode him, and we fucked for a long time. Afterwards, I couldn’t think of a thing to say except, “What are you thinking?”– probably the most annoying question in the history of sexual relationships. At least I did not actually ask him what he was thinking. Since it means, “Are you thinking about me? Do you have plans with her for New Year’s Eve?” (NB This incident took place some weeks ago). Afterwards, we just lay there, him reading, and me fidgeting until finally I hauled out my copy of The Joy of Cooking to read about baking.
Knowing that he asked Robin to Atlantic City – and, by corollary, not me – made me feel terrible, just awful. The less liked one. And while we were fucking I thought, “Right, if you cry, you’re going to break this off.” So that’s my resolution: if I find myself upset about Daniel, I’m ending it. I really want to talk to Caroline about this. She always helps. I HATE being jealous. I hate it that I’m spoiling what has been such a great source of fun and… well, good cheer in my life for the past month and a half. I’m disappointed in myself. Because I suppose it’s actually an opportunity to grow or something ridiculous like that. And the fact of the matter is, I don’t want an exclusive relationship with Daniel. I just don’t want him having sex with anyone else. There’s really no way to justify those feelings, is there? I slept terribly, and had a number of bad dreams. When we woke up I had to have him in me to get rid of the nightmares, but for the first time ever I didn't come on top of him. And, oh, God, his mouth tastes so good, and he smells so nice… After each dream I’d wake up and shift closer, closer to Daniel, who murmured sleepily and just smiled.