[Warning: this entry consists of obsessive romantic ruminations and is probably of interest to me only.]
I am having serious angst over Jeremy. I have not heard from him in almost two weeks. Not surprised, but still. I’ve been thinking about exactly what to say to him for several days now, to indicate that a) I like him a lot b) I’d like to see him more frequently c) does, he uh, think about me like that, as if we might date seriously, or at least more seriously? Because if not, then d) we’re through, since I don’t want to get attached to someone who isn’t that interested in me.
This is the exact same thing that happened with Daniel! I am such a drama queen. When I calmed down about Daniel and accepted our affectionate but no future relationship, things became much better, and now I’m pretty confident of him. But then Jeremy crept into my brain and I can’t stop thinking about him. On Friday I thought, rather melodramatically, He’s bewitched me, ‘cause I can’t think about anything else. Then I realized that I was being obsessive because for the past two weeks I’ve been really lax about taking my meds. Obsessive thoughts (hmm, that makes me sound completely unhinged, like a crazy lady wandering around midtown in a nightgown and fuzzy pink slippers) – mostly along the lines of, Why doesn’t he like me? And running all the way to Oh God, maybe he likes me so much that he’s afraid he’ll get hurt! fill my head, making it difficult for me to refrain from checking my email every 25 minutes, that kind of thing. So I’m being more vigilant about my antidepressants, and maybe that will help.
Here’s the crux of the matter: the last time I saw Jeremy, I said, feebly, “Next time, you get in touch with me.” That was one week and four days ago. If he was interested in me on a more serious level, I should have heard from him by now. I’m not surprised, because ever since Christmas I’ve had to do the contacting and suggesting we get together. He’s never turned me down, but still. Would you turn down an easy shag? Which is what I am, certainly. Among other things.
Ever since he said he was ready to settle down (My friend Dinah says that the fact he said this to me means he wants to settle down with someone else), I’ve been entertaining these bourgeois and very tempting domestic fantasies of me and Jeremy in a Pottery Barn interior, with dim lighting and cozy, slow sex and conversations about vacations in Spain. I don’t think I’m ready to settle down, but… can’t. stop. thinking. about. Jeremy. Maybe it’s because since Christmas he has shown less interest in me, and now I want him all the more?
I never thought I was one of those people who only desires what she can’t have, a girl who perversely likes mean boys and the like. I don’t like mean boys, actually. Although a boy who is crap about getting in touch and doesn’t take my hand at the movie theater isn’t all that nice, I s’pose. Daniel is by far the nicer. For instance, last night I couldn’t sleep and, figuring Daniel would be up, went online. When I saw that he wasn’t on IM I emailed him, saying I’d missed him (I am making a concerted effort to be a little more forthcoming about my feelings, though not THAT forthcoming, like revealing this blog or how when we’re fucking my brain sings IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou... ahem) and a few minutes later Daniel IMed me. See, he’s lovely. That being said, during our 40 minute IM session he did comment about the possibility of a booty call with one of my friends, who lives in his apartment building, ‘til I scotched that idea by explaining that she’s gay…. Anyway, there’s Daniel, who signs in to IM to talk to me moments after I email him and tells me how gorgeous I am and grips my hand during the scary parts of movies (I was right about that – the day after I saw The Children of Men with Jeremy I saw Pan’s Labyrinth with Daniel. As soon as things started to get scary and gross, Daniel clutched my hand). Also Daniel says, awkwardly and sincerely, “You’re very dear to me,” and then there’s Jeremy, who lightly brushed my knee once during the movie and doesn’t email or call or tell me I’m pretty, and it’s Jeremy that’s on my mind. On the other hand, I’ve (I hope) come to terms with the fact that Daniel and I have no future together and can’t really think about it anymore, while the promise of domestic bliss with a solvent architect who is probably smarter than me or at least always a good conversationalist has been gathering great appeal. Anyway, Jeremy, it seems, is either not as nice as Daniel or not as interested in me. This is what’s driving my current angst, that knowledge. Because, if he really did like me and want to see me, he wouldn’t wait at least a week and a half before contacting me.
I’ve been practicing all sorts of speeches to Jeremy. Most run along the lines of, “Look, I like you a lot, but I don’t think you feel the same way about me, so I’d better break this off,” – a preemptive strike and an echo of my planned break-up speech to Daniel. Then at last it occurred to me that I could simply say, “Hey, I really like you and would like to see your more frequently – maybe once or twice a week. How do you feel about that?” Apparently this is not melodramatic enough for me. But really the problem is that if I ask Jeremy whether he would like to get together more frequently, or be more serious, he has the option to say no. Whereas if I say, “I think I’d better end this,” he can object, or he can acquiesce without a murmur, but he can’t actually reject me. Luckily I have an appointment with Caroline tomorrow to get her opinion, since Marc, whom I often turn to as Boy Expert, is worse than useless, even if he is a Boy (his advice: “Play it cool.” If only.) I have a feeling she’ll plump for the straightforward option, and suggest I just tell him I want to see him more. I mean, therapy’s all about honesty and not playing games, unfortunately. But then what if Jeremy says, “OK, let’s get serious, but I want you to stop seeing other people,”? He would have a point, but I don’t want to stop sleeping with Daniel or Jefferson and I want to attend Jefferson’s orgies (purely as an observer, like a UN official at elections in newly democratic countries). Gah!