Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Hazards of Email

Tonight is my date with Jordan. Yesterday he suggested that we meet in my neighborhood. I knew what that meant: sex chez moi so he could get home at a reasonable hour (by 10:00 pm, as he’d noted in an earlier email. I assume he has to relieve the nanny).

My neighborhood is almost entirely devoid of bars and restaurants. There is a bar right near the subway station, which calls itself a sports bar, but, as my roommate Jenny says, it’s really an Old Man’s Bar. She’s been there a few times and likes it, but when I walked by last night with a view to meeting Jordan there, I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I’m not squeamish, really. Only there were no women there whatsoever, men were shouting (watching a game) and people were smoking, too. It just looked grim. So this limited the possibilities somewhat. About a mile from me is a restaurant-intensive neighborhood, but none of the bars there are in any way romantic or quiet. Plus, a mile is a long way to go when you're planning to meet at 6:00 for drinks, have sex and get home to another borough by 10:00. I was thinking I could just suggest he bring a bottle and I would cook dinner, but should I even reveal that I expect us to have sex tonight? Would cooking for him make me seem anxious for a relationship? I know that these worries are fairly ridiculous, but casual sex has the potential to be a minefield, and I want to get out with my dignity intact.

Finally I emailed him, suggesting a restaurant about ¾ of a mile from me, one we’d actually spoken about when we met, and then offered the local Outback Steakhouse (in a mall, not terribly sexy at all!) as an alternative. I just checked my email. He’d “prefer the Outback.” I bet he would! That would solve the proximity issue. I’m really nervous, as a matter of fact. He’s for sure dominant, and I don’t know what it will be like for me. And I have two roommates and a mattress on the floor of my bedroom. He’s a bona fide adult. Perhaps he’ll feel nostalgic when he sees the college-era poverty of my existence. Or maybe he’ll just be amazed that someone could be 33 and still living like a student.

Further news. I’d been emailing with a 32 year old self-described “incredibly dominant” writer (MFA from Columbia, whoo-hoo!) named Nick. Our emails had been not really about sex at all, just flirty.Which is exactly how I like them. Yesterday Nick asked me if I’d been up to anything “deviant” over the weekend – well, indeed I had! So I said yes, but declined to give any details. I didn’t want to provide a titillating “Guess what I’ve been up to” anecdote – it’s not his business, and I’d like to think I have a modicum of discretion. He pressed me, and I said that while I was happy to discuss my sexual proclivities, I wasn’t going to tell him the details of my weekend. That is solely for you, dear reader. The thing is, I don't want to discuss my sexual proclivities online at all. (Uh, I realize that's a bit disingenuous, considering that this is a blog). I’ll do it in person, but not via IM. Also, I think part of me was reluctant to give Nick the lowdown because, well, he’s dominant, and I am so wary of being dominated in any non sexual way, I felt compelled to refuse him. But I also felt that good manners required me to tell him the kinds of things that interested me, since I'd just denied him the details of my date with Daniel. So I did. That was uncomfortable for me. I can see Nick's point of view, that's there’s no point in meeting someone unless you know if you might be sexually compatible. But my feeling is, there’s not point in talking about sexual tastes unless you know you’re attracted to the person. Anyway, I swallowed my pride and went into a brief but reasonable amount of detail about the sort of experience(s) I thought I’d like, reiterating that I was inexperienced and would want to move at a snail’s pace. I ended the email asking, “Is this too vanilla for you?” I guess it was, cause I haven’t heard back from him. That’s just rude, I think. When you detail your sexual fantasies to a stranger as per his request, it is only polite to respond, even if it’s only with a “Ha ha ha! LOL!” A more appropriate response would have been the following:

“Dear Lily,
Thank you for being so open with me about your desires and concerns. Unfortunately, I think I am looking for someone with different tastes.
Best wishes,

This would have been a polite and respectful way to reject me. Now I’ve told a total stranger that it would be OK for him to come on my tits (I used the word tits, for God’s sake!) and he didn't even had the decency to say that sounded hot. Jackass.

Anyway, on the brighter side. Last night, as I was checking my email in vain for a note from Nick, I signed on to IM and eventually I saw that Daniel had signed on, too. He said hello, ("Hi cutie!" -- sweet) we chatted, and as I was about to go he asked if I wanted to do something this week. By "do something" I assume he means have sex. Yes, I would, I said. We’re going to make plans tonight. Thank God his sexual tastes seem to involve nothing more than having a lot of it. Broadening my horizons, sexually speaking, is turning into a nerve-wracking experience.

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