Tuesday, October 24, 2006


I'm really scared about tonight.

Even though on our lunch date I was perfectly comfortable (after it became clear that Jordan was not an adulterous slimebag), I'm absolutely terrified now. I've never had sex with anyone more than three years older than me. He's 39. He's an experienced dominant (is that a noun?). I don't mind reiterating that this is new for me, and that I want to go slow, and no doubt I will, but oh, I'm really nervous. I'm not afraid that he'd hurt me, but I am scared I won't enjoy myself but still feel compelled to go through with it. Or maybe I'm scared that I really will enjoy myself? Just thinking about this makes me feel sick. And we have a dinner to get through first. I can just picture the Outback Steakhouse on a Tuesday night -- a loud game televised at the bar, with a few regulars watching; a smattering of couples and families in the dining room, the out-of-place ambient lighting that doesn't go with the slow paced, super hearty staff in a restaurant without windows located in the interior of a mall, and, most terrifying of all, the prospect of our awkward conversation and my need for another glass of wine.

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